NVC Dojo

I will probably want to heavily edit this. I so yearn for purity and perfection. To be understood and seen as having something worthy of your time. Thank you for your attention.

My sense is that there are overlaps and common ideas, practices, between NVC and the Neurodiversity paradigm. I am more and more convinced that they are both in service of shared emancipatory goals.

A while ago I said I would write a guide for neurodiversity inclusion. There is often a desire for a tick list of things one can do to ensure inclusion (of course there is). I wrote a few and was unhappy with my results. As the saying goes, if you have met and autistic person, you have met an autistic person. In other words, we are individuals with individual needs.

Unfortunately its more complex than a checkbox list, and so I was unable to write one. Becoming neurodivergent inclusive is a journey that invites self growth and deconstruction of cultural ideas promulgated through dominator culture.

An example of the overlap with NVC is the invitation to deconstruct diagnostic thinking. With that also comes the invitation to deconstruct the social structures that embody diagnostic thinking, i.e. to engage with critical psychiatry. We know that Dr. Rosenberg was influenced by Dr. Thomas Szasz. And yet, it is rare for me to see such a deconstruction of the medicalisation of neurodifference or mental distress having happened in so many of the practitioners of NVC in our community. Evidence for me might include co-design of events such that autistic people like me are more able to attend without overwhelm. It not being about 'accommodations' but inclusion in design. For instance, lower expectations about presence or not in any given space at any time would make it more possible to prioritise self care of energy levels. Or quiet spaces to eat. Or written materials being given before events. Or [insert things] – perhaps you can see both the temptation and limitation of such a checklist!?

And in groups I have sometimes invited a small impromptu pop analysis, such as 'hold up your hand if you identify as neurodivergent or have a diagnosis'. Each time I have then estimated that there is about double the percentage of neurodivergent people in each group (and by extrapolation, our community) as we might expect in a population sample. How curious!

Of course I have theories about that.. but those are for another missive at some other time.

And of course, NVC invites and nurtures self advocacy, naming, requesting and dogging that our needs might be met. Again here, autistic spaces overlap with NVC spaces, with a shredding of the dominator culture social contract. But in autistic spaces it often goes further, for example, it is usually perfectly OK to just get up and leave without explanation, there is trust and respect for autonomy. How liberating! Another overlap is the journey to become more aware of our needs, in order to make it more possible for them to be met and for us to be able to show up in ways we more enjoy.

What can make that journey harder in dominator culture, is the assumption and modelling and privileging of neurotypicality. By example by situating neurodifference within a domain of mental health categories. And from that comes an ensuing evaluation of what is acceptable or normative. And, it is my sense that this assumption often carries over from dominator culture, and its mental health professions, into our NVC cultures. Of course it does!

And seeing how Marshall rejected this social structure, his profession, was a large affirmation for me, and really contributed to why I was so attracted to NVC, even when it was so confusing to me as to why my needs as an autistic person were so unmet in so many NVC spaces, and even when I saw less of the embodiment or shared understanding of that aspect of Marshall's insight in our community of practise.

Sorry. Anyhow, I am delighted to be able to share a preview of some research my peers are doing. Here is your checklist, kinda!

Do you cry?

Can you?

Will you?

Might you try?

In order to be a Good Man, I cauterised my emotions. I could take lots of pain, and smile. Being a Good Man was the only option, modelled by movies and men around me. Being gay was a slur and it was casually and liberally thrown by pupils and teachers and relatives as a means to police any showing of affect or affection. Like an imprint in drying mud of a new army boot, tracking my direction in life was clear as it was shaped by the sharp pattern of the mythical Good Man. I identified as an officer, a soldier, a martial artist and other such popular extreme manly idealised tropes. I don’t remember my mother ever hugging or cuddling me, which even now, is hard to write. Loud depreciating self ridicule, instantly rises from within me and from our culture to censure and protect me. And additionally everyone wants to believe, everyone needs to believe at a deep and fundamental level that their mother cared, that they mattered. Wise and rational parts of me are more and more convinced of the many ways in which nurturement is essential . And yet, as a teenager ‘the L-word’ was the proxy we used, perhaps in defence of naming what we all understood should not be said out loud, a naive strategy for keeping the ridicule at bay. And yet even now, the ridicule remains, the fear of naming a fundamental human need for love. Love matters so very much if we want to live and to contribute to something other than a sociopathic, and warring society. Oh boy, back then was I a sociopathic, Good Man. I had to be. And now, I can ask, what kind of society was I being groomed to contribute to?

In my early twenties after a headlong rush into whatever I could find to distract, and entertain myself, I came to begin to realise that I couldn't cry. And that maybe this was a Bad Thing. It took a few years of work, but eventually I was able to let water leak from my eyes. After that I named not being able to cry to being like not being able to orgasm. And yet, 30 years later, I am still working with learning to cry. The imprints of The Good Man still authoritatively manipulating me like a ghostly puppeteer.

Might it be possible for me to cry each day, as a practise? I would like to, just like I would like to be in choice and to enjoy sexual intimacy with people with male genitalia, to be ‘gay’. Yet there is a deep and reactive part of me that holds a firm barrier that has protected me from ridicule and at the same time, limiting my choices to enjoy my life with less shame or fear.

I have compassion for the patterns imprint in me, and gratitude. Being a Good Man was the only way to get some kind of belonging, and for surviving the emotional desert of growing up in the body of the British establishment. And, oh boy, did it allow me to do some incredible things, some insanely foolish things too, as I situated myself as both incredibly 'hard' and simultaneously completely disposable. I was so resilient. So strong. I could push my body past all the messages that I was damaging myself. I had curated the Good Man skills along with lightening reflexes and zero guilt sociopathy.

And with it came depression. And ADHD.

I so mourn. I mourn the lost years, the richness of a fuller emotional life, an evolutionary birthright of what could and perhaps should have been.

I need to cry. I want to cry alone, with myself, each day. But until yesterday, I have been unaware that I deeply feared doing crying alone. It was as if some ethereal and omnipresent Good Man will judge me as lacking, as weak, as gay, or issue that painful refrain, 'You are too sensitive'.

And, welcome tears, thank you.

Thank you for the work that led to here, Thank you to the part that protected me so well, and thank you for the work that makes joy more possible.

I messed up the posting order, if you are looking for the post about Signal… https://nvcdojo.org/signal-group-for-nvc-practioners-at-a-vit

Laydees and Gentilmen and all those of other persuasions or in between or none… Welcome welcome its your

NVC Role Play Club!

• Currently on Season 6!
• Lots of fun!
• Sometimes streamed live!

Role Up Role Up!

This, is not about using NVC role play as a healing modality, well not primarily. In NVC Role Play Club we are primarily, at least for now, focused on supporting Certification Candidates prepare for the role play aspect of their assessment. And you are welcome to come along today if you are not a candidate and are curious.

We seek to explore “Does NVC ‘work’?” when the situation is stressful?

In support of this we curate a space for messing up and playing.

We call it Serious Fun (see what I did there?)

So, if you fancy a taster of what this is like, come along.

Role plays are usually about 10 minutes and we give lots of time to practicing giving needs based feedback.

Adverts and more information:

https://nvc-uk.com/events/nvc-role-play-club-series-6/

and a similar advert is here:

https://www.cnvc.org/learn/events/nvc-role-play-club-series-6-2025-10-01-12-00-00

This is to offer an alternative to WhatsApp for attendees at a VIT.

For me the point is one of liberation. Are you willing to be told what to use? Are you wanting to be more in choice? Are you wanting other people to be making decisions about what software and services you use in your life? Do you have assurance that the people who own WhatsApp have your best interests in mind?

If, like me, you realise that you wish to have more choice, control and agency. If like me you find that you no longer trust the authorities to hold your best interests in mind over their own, then you are more likely to be motivated to do something about it.

There are so many ethical issues with Facebook that it has its own wiki page! This exploration led me to decide to minimise my contributing to Facebook products as much as I can.

So whilst I really like to live my NVC practice at the same time I yearn for belonging in NVC community without having to compromise on my yearning for a different digital landscape. I yearn for a digital life that is more life serving. I wonder if you might be willing to join me in alternative digital place?

I have made an alternative place for connection using an app called Signal. I have found that it is at least as easy for people to use as WhatsApp.

https://signal.org/

It is an app that I have been using since its early days. It was started in 2018 by one of the WhatsApp founders. Of course it is by no means perfect (it isn’t completely open source), however I particularly enjoy the leadership and innovation that Meredith is bringing.

Some of folk have been exploring what nonviolence in tech might mean: https://www.nonviolenttech.org/ We use Signal too.

Please email me for tech support.

with warmth,

~em~

Today a copy of this book was offered to UK NVC practioners. The sharer offers, ‘Published in A4 format by CNVC in 1992. An early (the first) NVC book for children.’

This is a piece of our history!

What a wonderful gift! I can see that there are 7 copies available to the public in American libraries:

I haven't found any electronic version of it nor second hand copy on the market.

Curious about whether Rita Herzog and Kathy Smith and the publishers CNVC, would enjoy releasing under a copyleft licence, perhaps for digital archival and sharing?

And noting some distance in NVC industry between the ideas of copyleft and strategies for meeting needs through earning money.

And noticing a tiredness and confusion in me around this. So curious what I can do, (beyond my personal and extensive mourning and trauma work!), to nurture a culture of free(dom) software, sharing and gift economy within the digital lives of our beautiful community.

with love

~em~

On the wall of the two UK NVC Assessment weekends there has been a flipchart with the words, 'What is your relationship with authority here?' or something. If I get the time I will try to hunt out a photo.

I have been so curious about this. Why is it on the wall? Is it something to do with Paolo Freire's work? It took me years to find a clip of Marshall Rosenberg citing Freire, and enumerating the ideas that contributed to the formulation of NVC. When I first read Pedagogy of the Oppressed I was highly impacted, and enjoyed how it supported me to examine my relationship with authority, and gave me some idea of how I have internalised this relationship, perhaps largely as a result of my western education. Furthermore Freire offers a method of education that can support us to examine this question. A couple of months ago I was delighted to hear from Dominic Barter who confirmed and expanded my curiosity around how Freire had influenced Rosenberg.

Now what I am curious about is, ‘How is Freire's work alive in NVC Training today?’ I am not sure how much of it there is or is not. Sometimes I see glimpses of it, sometimes I see it infused into the practise and sometimes I see NVC trainers ‘teaching’ NVC as if teachers in school. My understanding is that without exploring this question directly or using problem posing pedagogies it is hard to deconstruct the authority within us. Unfortunately whilst this question is on the walls of the two assessments I have been to, there has been little time to be in discourse around it. Assessments are busy times.

So I am curious as to how and when I might get to hear something of what contributes to this question being on the wall? Is it simply something to do with the power dynamic between an assessor and a candidate or is there something deeper? How much of Friere's ideas are still embedded into our NVC training practices?

As we emerge from lock down, I have been curious around how I can retain the bits that I enjoyed.

I enjoyed, I loved, I rejoiced at how the world went online. For many years requests to meet online have been met by ‘we dont do that’! Often these requests were made by people who could really benefit from a change in imagination and culture. Disabled people, people who live remotely, people who want to drive less, people who want to be more available to their families.

What celebration that within a few weeks all the cultural and social and imagination barriers to meeting these requests evaporated!

We experimented as an NVC community, and many of us ppushed past our judgements around the quality of connection would be sufficient to hold group spaces. We learnt how to use the available tools to continue our NVC practices, sharing and working. This has let me meet, learn from, and share NVC with people living around the world! What a gift!

This change has let me control my environment, save carbon, save time, and save money. Oh what a joy it was for me to witness this pause in pollution, this window of potential change!

And, most of us will have really missed the qualities of being in proximity to those that we are meeting and connecting with. Most of us will be overwhelmed with screen time.

Now as lockdown is ending, I have delighted in hugs and seeing 3d people, and rediscovering that people have bodies beneath their shoulders! Now I am curious, how can I carry with me the joy of online meeting, with the lengthening days, and my need to be away from screens.

During the lockdown to meet all the needs, I often went for a walk, went down the beach, cleaned the house, laid in bed or even had a bath during meetings. There are technical challenges, that I have yet to fully meet. For instance because my bluetooth headset doesnt have a ‘mute’ button, when I go off camera to make tea, I mute on the laptop so that the kettle boiliing noise doesn’t disturb the meeting. I really enjoy the weirdness of still being in the meeting, as I make my tea. But many times, it has resulted in a short sprint to the laptop, to unmute and breathlessly respond to the question I have been asked !

Here is my experiment, I offer it here and request feedback.

Mixed movement Online Meetings.

Requires a phone and a bluetooth headset. Acknowledging that wind is a problem so I will both be experimenting with a wind sock and choosing more sheltered walks for windy days.

Have the check-in whilst sitting down.

Then switch cameras off and go for a walk.

In my previous experiments, many people delighted in my sharing of sunsets, rainbows, campfire and seaside views during the meeting. Of course, the meetings that I would do this were often social, event organising or party planning. Sometimes, I would even take a blue tooth speaker and dance on the empty beach…

This is written for anyone who is considering attending a certification assessment event. The event was held in the UK, I identify as Neurodiverse and am considering registering as a Certification Candidate. I was supported to attend by the UK-NVC community, and this document in written in support of expressing my gratitude for that. This is a wee snippet from 11 juicy pages, the full document is here.

Background

A member of the English Speaking European Assessment Team (ESEAT) team posted to the UK-NVC Rise-Up email list expressing concern about viability for an upcoming event, especially within the post COVID, post Brexit situation and requesting UK community support. One respondent responding in way that I resonated with, empathising with the need for sustainability for ESEAT and finding the cost ’very high’. A wish for a ’longer conversation around how to manage all this’, was named.

Two actions were taken, the community was invited to contribute to a fund in support of a community member attending, and a meeting was called to explore the issues. At the meeting the ESEAT member ex- pressed uncertainty around whether the event would be viable and they observed different cultures in other European countries where the NVC communities were more active in supporting the assessment team. It was agreed that it would be more likely that the event would go ahead if one person signed up within the next couple of hours and others signed up after that. I was then asked if I would be able to go if the community fund was offered to me, and I decided in that moment to accept.

I would like to name the feelings that came up for me at that time but it would be hard, I was excited and overwhelmed, grateful. Many needs were met, not least ’to matter’ and ’to contribute’.

Attending this event is a very worthwhile thing, if you are considering certification. It is also worthwhile as part of the NVC community, because your learning will be accelerated by the immersion. It is also worthwhile, if you wish to contribute to the UK’s NVC community, because you will be supporting the ESEAT team at a time when community support is welcome to ensure the expertise and resource that it brings continues to be as readily available as it is.

This is a snippet, the full document is here.